"Maybe it was never meant to be and definitely not preordained" said a voice in my head.
"Its not that the folks are waiting for the next writeup eagerly. That happens to Khaled Hosseini, not me" assuring the previous voice.
"Its definitely the lowest ebb, but you do go up as a tide. Its never late to make a start or restart" disagreed another.
"The moment you lose the ability to have the seamless flow of words, its a sign of decline"
The riots in my head got stronger. The disorderly outburst of depressing thoughts and a few encouraging ones were fighting their way to the victory. One almost loses faith when a loved activity becomes a feared one. When the quarter life crisis hits, everything becomes questionable. The worthiness of the tasks become important, or not !
Excellence is good, eccentric is even better, sloppiness-a strict no no. With this burden and the pre-conceived notion, we start weighing everything around us. Am either too good for that or I dont even care trying. Its not my cup of tea.
I shifted from a wonderland, nestled comfortably in my innocence, to a practical world where am being judged. Let loose your fear, and it grows to be a gigantic monster who blocks your line of sight. I felt I cant get myself to write again. Reason? Nothing I do will be good enough. Experiences I have had, can never be jotted down or can be done justice to. I hardly ask myself "What do I want?" Instead, am bogged down by "How I am perceived". I heard someone say-" If you fight, you can either win or lose. But if you dont fight, you can never win". This simple truth is so comforting. Its easy for me to not write. Thats my general state of being. Its tempting to give an excuse and convince myself, but hard to talk myself to do it.
If you could find a passion where you dint see clock ticking or stomach grumbling, you are blessed. (You can be paired with the likes of Einstein)
If you cant find a passion, but willing to find one, you are a go-getter. (With the thought that, half the life goes in finding one)
If you had one, left it and want to retrieve it, why are you a cynical? (I feel starting from scratch all over again with little baby steps, has its advantages. There is only one way to traverse- forward)
Thus the post. Call it mediocre or plain hapless, am happy that for once, I can do something just for myself.
Its a perfectly reasonable deviation from my routine.
"A brave one at that", said the voice inside.
And the lazarus started playing... "I survived against the will of my twisted folk But in the deafness of my world the silence broke....follow me ..."
